Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Good and the Bad

Still no news from our agency.  A little part of me keeps expecting that something will change, that Korea will decide to issue a few more EPs this year, that we will miraculously be allowed to bring Anna Kate home soon.  I know that nothing is impossible with God, and I have really struggled with how much to keep praying for a miracle and believing in that and how much to begin the process of accepting this wait.

On the days when I'm feeling positive, I make a mental list of the reasons it will be OK to wait:  the boys will be older and (hopefully) calmer by the time she arrives; Josh will be closer to 4 than to 3; Max will be a semester into kindergarten and over that transition before she comes home; I will have one more semester to work and save money for the trip to Korea.  I know that all these reasons make sense in some logical way, but of course we would trade every one of them to have her in our arms right now. 

I also try to think of the ways that God may be working in this.  Maybe she is too fragile emotionally right now and this would be a bad time to transition.  Maybe she needs to be at a more stable period developmentally and it will be better for her somehow.  I can't imagine how this would be the case, but I'm not a child psychologist.  Some of the books on toddler adoption that I have read do talk about the period of 6-12 months being tougher on a baby for attachment and loss than the 12-18 months period.  So maybe there is truth to that.  I do not know (and I would never venture to guess) if this is "God's will."  I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is in this process, and that Anna Kate is meant to be our child.  I do not know how God feels about Korea's international adoption process.  But I know that he can and does use all things according to his purpose.  So I guess we just have to hang on tight, trust him, and have faith.

OK, so that's the way I think on the good days.  We don't need to get into the bad ones, I guess, but you can imagine.  I am angry that my baby is getting older and older apart from her forever family.  I am angry that, even though we have I600 approval and are NVC in and out (which basically means we have EVERYTHING BUT THE EP and would be traveling to bring her home any day), we will not be getting her for 6-7 more months.  I am so heartbroken that we will miss her first steps, her first birthday, and countless other milestones in her little life.

But I try to remember that, in the grand scheme of things, this will all be OK.  Years from now, we will look back on this, and it will be a small part of the story of how Anna Kate Han became part of our family.  She is coming, and it will be sooner and sooner each day.  She will grieve, and she will probably have a tough transition, but God will give us the strength to make it through and to help her adjust and bond with our family.

On a happy note, we sent a care package and our adoption friend Jessica just dropped it off for us in Korea!   In the package, we sent a few small gifts for Han's foster family, three outfits, some hairbows, a photo album of us for her to play with and look at, a CD of baby songs, a recordable story book with everyone reading her a page, a disposable camera, a zip drive, a "little sister" bib, an elephant lovie, and a little blankie that Grandma Great made for her.  So, a VERY full Ziploc bag!  :)  Here's a look at what we sent:

Tonight, I'm praying that she is healthy and strong.  I'm praying that she can somehow feel the love that we have for her, and that she will get her package soon and begin listening to our voices, looking at our pictures, and getting to know us.  I'm praying that she and her foster family will remain safe.  I'm praying that God will prepare our hearts and the hearts of our family members as we wait.  And I'm still praying for that miracle.

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