Heartbroken... But Trusting God for Peace

This is not a post I ever wanted to write.  I have been avoiding it all week because, honestly, it's been too painful.  But maybe putting it into words will help somehow. 

We have been told by our agency that we were not one of the families who will be issued an EP this year.  That means we will not be allowed to travel to bring Anna Kate home until 2012.  Probably February.  I still don't believe it, to tell you the truth.  I am still holding onto a glimmer of hope that maybe, somehow, they will be wrong.  I am praying for a miracle.

I know that God's hand has been in this adoption from the beginning.  Jake and I both have felt so strongly that it was what we were meant to do.  I have never felt God's hand in something as much as I have in this.  I know that he has been with us and with her.  I know very clearly that she is the baby meant for our family.  I know this because I feel it in my heart, and God even confirmed it for me with a small miracle a few weeks ago.

It's amazing how this all happened.  My mom just happened to be looking at a blog that she hadn't looked at for months.  It's a blog of a lady who is a complete stranger to us but who adopted a baby three years ago from Korea.  She was blogging the other week about her recent trip to Korea to meet her daughter's former foster mom for the first time.  She had a picture of the foster mom and herself talking and looking at a photo album.  Guess who the foster mom was?  That's right, Han's foster mom.  And there was a beautiful little baby girl sitting on her lap.  Guess who that baby girl was?  You guessed it.  Anna Kate Han.

Because I thought I might just be going crazy, I sent her a message on her blog.  I asked her if the foster mom's name was Mrs. ____ and if the baby's name was Han.  She sent me a message- "Yes- that is your baby!"  She then went on to tell me lots of details about the foster mom- what a loving, compassionate woman she is and how much she loves the babies that she takes care of.  She sent me tons of pictures of Han, and they are so adorable.

Talk about a God who is interested in the details.  He didn't need to send me that message.  But he did.  He reached around the world, found our baby girl, and put her right in our path.  He introduced me to a woman who could give me invaluable information about the woman who will be our daughter's mother for the first 18 months of her life.  He prepared our hearts for devastating news that he knew was around the corner. 

So, although this isn't the news we want or the news we prayed for, we know that God is in control.  We KNOW that he loves us, that he loves her, and that he is keeping her safe.  We are so reassured to know that she is being loved and that she is happy and healthy.  And we are so thankful to our God, a God who is in the details.  A God who loves us enough to send us comfort in our time of great sorrow.

Please continue to pray for us.  We are still praying that something will change and that Anna Kate, and all the babies caught up in this quota mess, will get to come home to their families sooner, rather than later.  Our God is an awesome God.  He is able to do immeasurably more than ALL we ask or imagine.  For now, we will just hold onto that truth and pray for his peace.